Do you ever feel as though your standing still and everything is flying around you 1,000 miles per hour and you can't grab ahold of anything? Almost like a snowglobe. Right when you think you settled, you get shook up. Life gets shifted all around and the next thing you know your standing in the middle of a mess watching it float all around you.
I woke up this morning to no alarm. I rolled over and grabbed my phone to check the time. 7:40. It was still quiet, the kids were not stirring yet. I laid there for a bit, checked my notifications and slowly sat up. My hair was a mess, and my mascara smeared because i forgot to wash my face before bed. Literally thought if any man saw me right now they would run. Threw my hair up, and wiped my face. I walked in the living room. There was xbox games all in the floor, shoes, and the xbox was still paused. I let the boys stay up because school was called off and they made their mark. I stumbled to the coffee pot and started my coffee. Much needed might I say. I thought to myself it would be nice to have a few minutes to read and enjoy my coffee. I think it was maybe 20 minutes and Connor came stomping in asking "Mom, whats for breakfast?" I sighed and knew my day has really just began.
It was about 9:30am. Work called and needed me to come in. I had planned on staying home with them today. I was still not 100% on the roads. The race was on. I had to get the kids dressed and myself quick. Running around the house trying to find my boot, pack some food for the sitter and my 7 year old would not budge. He didn't want to go and refused to get dressed. I raised my voice , heck I screamed. He says "Why do you always scream at me?" I immediately doubted myself. Do i? Surely I don't. I turn around for a split second and alex and Cooper got into yet another fight and knocked a glass cup all in the floor. It busted everywhere. I am down on my hands and feet, fighting back tears, I didn't know whether to discipline, scream, cry, or throw my hands up and walk away. I got the glass cleaned up and I went into my room, shut the door and cried. Why do I feel like I am letting them down? Why can't i be stronger?
Work day complete. I left at 5 and had to run by the store before before I grabbed kids. Walked in the door dropped groceries in the floor. Like clockwork they start to fight. After refereeing I was mentally exhausted. I made my way to the kitchen for dinner. Put groceries away, started dishes, and threw a load of towels in the laundry. Cooper comes walking into the kitchen asking me for a screwdriver to help him remove batteries from his remote control car. I obliged. I'm standing there trying to find the right screwdriver to take this little tiny screw out. My hamburger meat is starting to burn, and my sink water is about to run over. Coopers little face looks up at me and says "Mom,you must be tired." I said yes baby I am why? Cooper says " Because you do all of this stuff for us and we are bad. I dont deserve it." Whew, let me tell you you I grabbed my boy up and told him that what I do for him has nothing to do with what he did. I was his mother and I would always over him no matter what he did. There was nothing that he could do or say that would remove the love I had for him.
3 minutes later like Connor fashion he comes through the living room kicking Alex horse over with her doll and round 20 starts. She starts screaming at him, I cry. I am standing in the kitchen in front of my children crying. I didn't know what else to do. Connor just stood there, Cooper and Alex both started crying.
This was a gripping moment. It was hard and i felt as thought I was letting my wall down in front of my children. Who said I had to put up a wall? Who said I had to be so strong and not be transparent and let them see that mom has feelings? I had this fiscad that they needed me to be something they never asked me to be.
As I sit here and type this I am so overwhelmed by God's love for us. If I can look at my son in sheer disbelief when he feels as though he doesn't deserve my love and care for him. That he has been bad and I wouldn't wake up tomorrow loving him more and cooking him breakfast, cleaning his clothes and caring for him even more. How much more does my heavenly father love me? I fail him everyday, at time I carry shame and I feel as though at times how could he love me? He gazes upon you and I in Love that is indescribable. There is not one thing that you have done, or will do that will ever take away the love he has. It is not by works that you earn his love or your salvation. Ephesians 2:8-9 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
As you read this, know that he loves you. What ever season your walking through he is right there. He is that one constant that I have had and I know that he is so very faithful.
He shows up when I am so tired and overwhelmed and I can't seem to make it anymore.
Comments