I walked in from work. Dropped my bags on the counter. Immediately threw my boots off and changed clothes. I walked back into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle water and some chips from the pantry and planted myself on the couch. It was quiet. Kids were at their fathers this week and all I could hear was the clock ticking. A good movie sounded really good right now. I found my spot on the couch, grabbed my favorite blanket and started looking.
Times like these are the hardest. Learning to be content alone; is not easy. I could do anything i wanted to at this very moment. 3 years ago i would have drove myself crazy finding something to do to keep myself busy.
It has been about 4 years now. I am better at occupying my time. When they first started leaving me a week at a time, I wanted to stay in the bed all week. The thought of not waking up and hearing them scream Mom! or jump on the bed to wake me. Sissy asking me to do her hair or the boys screaming because they were fighting. Yeah Sunday afternoons are hard.
After my seperation. I had to learn to be content being alone. It wasn't easy and I filled my time with gong out. I thought that the more that I did, the more places I went the void would be filled. It took me a good year to finally be able to say to myself, YOU are enough. YOU are valuable and YOU are worth being still for. I became still. As much as I wanted a companion I knew at the same time that I needed to find myself and love me. My faith carried me through more than ever.
Being still is not easy. Don't get me wrong, going out is good too but the last thing I wanted to do was invite anyone into my life just to exist. I knew the only way to successfully have healthy relationship was to find me without putting my identity in someone else.
still/adjective
not moving or making a sound.
When you are at a place in your life of uncertainty be still. When you are exhausted from going non stop, be still. When you have been so busy and your kids just want a moment with you, be still. When they laundry is piled up but your favorite movie comes on be still. When your loved one is sick and not sure of tomorrow, be still. Being still is not laziness nor is it a sign of weakness. Being still is ok.
I wake up every morning in the pursuit of happiness. That may mean a cup of coffee on my back deck or a huge hug from my kids. I want to breathe in life.
I want to sit in a room and look around me and feel love. What we create around is important. Allowing people into our lives that will make a difference and hold us accountable for our choices and mistakes. Answer our phone calls in the middle of the day when you're crying because you just don't know how you are going to make it through tomorrow. You can't change others but you can start today in finding that fire that burns deep inside. You can smile so big at a stranger that they have no choice to smile back. You can do the smallest gesture that could turn someone's whole day around, because as you all know we are not promised tomorrow. No one in this world can change anything in your life but you. Don't let the world take anything from you and more than anything make your mark. Be fearless in the pursuit of being happy and be STILL.
Love you all
