It's 4am and the fan is on high just enough to make the blinds bounce back and forth off the window sill. The clock is ticking and I can't sleep. I need to be up at early and no sleep is in sight. My mind wanders and the exhaustion of this past week is catching up to me.
Sometimes I wonder if God wants to just smack me in the back of the head. If he gets tired of hearing my complaining and wants to just send me to my room and shut the door.
I struggle on a daily basis with getting it right. Being the right mother, right employee, right friend and something I haven't had to worry about in awhile, a better girlfriend or wife.
What we don't want to do is wait. Everything now is at our fingertips. Technology, ordering, dating and the faster we can get it the better. We don't really even know what it is to wait anymore. Happiness is 10 boxes of amazon showing up at our door or Downloading a song on our phone. Not listening to the birds sing and actually spending time outdoors.
DATING has become more of a chore. It's as if everyone is always looking for the next best thing. The definition of Good girls and Good guys don't even exist. You spend a couple weeks warming up getting to know someone and get interested and bam they disappear. Or you spend your time getting to know someone because you thought you were on the same page and they decide they aren't ready to be in a relationship. OR they have so many options that they don't want to choose and continue to live in this revolving door of possibilities. Hearts get broken, and feelings hurt. We allow people that we have only known for a short period of time to flatten our confidence and allow our circumstances to make us feel less than. Do you call? Do you text? Is it too much or not enough? Should I say anything or should I not? We live behind our phones and our screens and when it comes to face to face interaction we can't function. This goes for friendships too. I actually do remember a time when we called each other and talked on the phone and had to meet for dinner to see each others face. I have waited. I will continue to wait. I don't want to settle and wont. Right now in my life I choose to be single because I can.
RELATIONSHIPS...if you are in one be thankful. Be so very thankful that you have found someone that loves that face in the morning with no makeup. That 20 year old tshirt that you wear around the house that makes you look homeless. The smile you get just because you are you. Having someone to sleep next to at night. Someone to watch a movie with a companion to share life with!
Go out of your way to make sure that you show love in a new way everyday. If you ever go a day without it you will understand how much it really means.
I wake up every morning in the pursuit of happiness. That may mean a cup of coffee on my back deck or a huge hug from my kids. I want to breathe in life. I want to sit in a room and look around me and feel love. What we create around us is important. Allowing people into our lives that will make a difference and hold us accountable for our choices and mistakes. Answer our phone calls in the middle of the day when you're crying because you just don't know how you are going to make it through tomorrow. You can't change others but you can start today in finding that fire that burns deep inside. You can smile so big at a stranger that they have no choice to smile back. You can do the smallest gesture that could turn someone's whole day around, because as you all know we are not promised tomorrow. No one in this world can change anything in your life but you. Don't let the world take anything from you and more than anything make your mark. Be fearless in the pursuit of being. HAPPY.
There is not one doubt in my mind I have made it this far with God's unwavering grace. Undeserving and not sure why, after all my mistakes and faults he keeps choosing to extend his hand down to me. There is just something about knowing in the middle of the night when I feel alone and unsure of where this life is heading...I can rest assured wherever it may go I am not alone.
Love you you all
