I believe it was somewhere between 8-9pm when he told me. Kids were asleep and like most nights recently we were fighting. I am a problem solver and I am a overthinker. I have to know the problem and if there is one, I want to fix it. There was no fixing this. I stood in front of him and I asked him if he was done. The words came out...yes he was and he was not happy anymore. I am standing there, this huge side bun falling down and a Old t shirt with some old pants and truth be told hadn't showered that day yet. I was a stay at home mom and boy did i feel it. He walked straight into the bedroom and grabbed his travel bag and started to put some clothes in it. I began to panic. My chest felt as though someone was standing on it and i could not catch my breath. "You can't do this!" "We can work this out!" and slowly I began to realize nothing I could do or say at that moment was gonna change.
The door slammed and I heard his truck crank up. This can't be happening. It was like a bad dream. What am I going to tell the kids? What am i going to do? The floor was cold, i laid there and just cried.... sobbed. Everything I had ever known for the past 10 years was changing. It was right there and then God picked me up and carried me for the next 4 years.
I wanted to lay in bed , cry, drink , self medicate but I didn't. I had to be a mom and I had to be strong. I couldn't sleep, I would play sermons and music on my phone until I fell asleep. I put sticky notes up on the mirrors in my bathroom of quotes to remind myself that i am not alone. I fell on my church family and friends the best i could. It was hard explaining over and over and you wanted to alone, but not alone.
Loneliness. It wasn't just word. It was something like i had never felt before. The thing about loneliness is, you can let it consume you or you consume it. It's the stillness of the night and the empty bed. You have to make a conscious decision NOT to let it take over. If you do then you try to fill something that you yourself will never be able to fill.
"Seasons of loneliness are often God's way of speaking something into your heart that you need complete silence to hear."-unkown
I didn't even know myself. I felt broken, and unwanted. Who could love a washed up mess like me? I picked myself apart. Everything extra I had, I poured into my kids, my husband, and my church. Standing there looking at myself in the mirror I honestly had no idea who I was. What did I enjoy doing? What did I like? What were some of my favorite things? I began to realize that I had placed my identity in my marriage and my children. I truly felt as though i didn't have one. I was letting the fact that my husband wasn't happy, define me.
It took me a very long time to discover who i was. It took me a very long time to understand that I can not place my identity in a man, my children, place or thing. I am those things but it's not who I am. God intended for me to put my identity in him and it all made sense. When I stopped worrying about why he didn't call, why he won't talk to me, and why certain things I poured myself into didn't go a certain way. I began to realize that God fills every void this world can't. He began to restore me from the ground up. I am still a work in progress and I am so far from perfect. I stand here before you today a strong women. I can declare that because it was not by my works. That night so many years ago, when he reached down and picked me up he has never put me down.
You may be going through the fight of your life or you may be living the time of your life. Make sure that your identity is secure in the one who is never changing. People let us down, and things change. God is unshaken and unwavering.
There are so many days I didn't think i was going to make it and being honest I didn't want to. BUT God had a different plan for me. He knew what I would be walking through before i started walking. I Rejoice today because in my many mistakes, my flaws, and my mishaps I am a child of the one true King. This fact is why everything else will fall right into place.
Philippians 1: 3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Love to you all
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